Are you too close? Is it hard for you to see your growth? Truly, growth and healing come in community. Don’t be afraid to find someone to walk alongside of - for both of your benefit.
*Note: the cover picture is of a baby aloe vera plant growing on the elongated stalk of the plant. If you look really closely, you’ll see the tiny sprig of green.
Walking around downtown Tacoma with my counselor this week, I lamented about something irritating my ex-husband had said in an email to our son. Here’s a recreation of that conversation to the best of my ability:
“Why does he do that?”
“Why do you think?”
“Maybe he’s trying to put C in the middle? Or he’s trying to make himself look good by saying he’s thinking of me because it’s my birthday? C isn’t going to fall for it though - he’s too smart and he sees right through his dad. I just want to stop being bothered by it. I don’t want to give him (my ex) the headspace any more. How do I do that?”
“Well, how does it make you feel when you hear what he said in the email?”
“Angry. Frustrated. Like it’s too little too late. Deeply hurt. Why is he saying he cares now when his actions proved otherwise for two plus decades?”
“First of all, yes, any or all of those things. But what’s important is you’re recognizing that it’s a game to him. And you’re acknowledging your anger. Let the anger help move the emotions through your body. Allow yourself to feel them. Were you allowed to have feelings or express them in your marriage?”
“No, not really.”
“Feel the feelings. Let the anger be there. Let it pass. You recognize his actions as being what’s true, not his words. It’s ok to grieve it and keep moving. You don’t have to figure it out anymore or second guess what it is you’ve done wrong. You’ve become so much more resilient and able to recognize what is yours and what is your ex’s.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
“You’re too close. I am here to bear witness to how much you have grown. And I’m here to remind you when you forget or lose sight of just how far you’ve come. You no longer go immediately to, ‘what did I do wrong?’ or ‘it’s all my fault.’ Instead, you’re seeing the lies and gaslighting for what they are and calling them out.”
Federal Way, WA 98023